Growing up, our friends were the ones we would have sleepovers and have manicure and pedicure nights with. As we got older, those friends may have stuck around, but we then moved onto university and met more friends. Our twenties are the time when we really start realising who is there for us and who isn’t, and sometimes that means a breakup is the healthiest option.
Whether your breaking up with a significant other or your best friend, it’s just as hard, but sometimes it just needs to be done. It won’t be easy and there needs to be clear communication through the process, but when it comes down to it, you have to live your life for you, not anyone else. Here is how to break up with a friend like the adult you are:
Consider the toxicity
Do you have a friend that makes everything about themselves and never takes the time to ask how you are doing? Or maybe you make all the effort to hang out, but they never do? These are signs of a toxic relationship. If you are putting forth the effort to always communicate with them and never get a response, it is time to have a talk with them. You are not the energiser bunny, so you can’t constantly be putting effort into a friendship when you get nothing in return.
Set new boundaries
Every situation is different, and this can be hard to fully decide, but as adults we have to communicate clearly to those we care about in order to straighten things out. If you feel uneasy or uncomfortable with your friend, it is time to speak up and let them know how you feel. Rather than keeping quiet and causing more harm than good, set a time to sit down and talk things through. Take the higher road and just be honest.
If you decide to phase out the friendship, it has to come from both sides.
When phasing out of a friendship, it has to be clear from both sides that it is happening. This cannot be decided from one person, otherwise it could end up a lot worse. Maybe this is a friend who you were never super close with, and now they have moved and neither of you really feel motivated enough to make plans. Or maybe it’s a friend whose lifestyle is now very different from your own and you end up bickering more than hanging out.
In the end, the slow breakup only works when two people are both approaching two different phases of their lives. That is the hard part of being a 20-something. We are all at different steps in our lives even though our friends may be the same age.
You decide it is time to formally end the friendship.
This is never something you plan or want to happen with a close friend, but sometimes it just comes to this point in life. If there are more negatives than positives to the friendship and you have tried to work things out on both ends, then a break up is needed. This is where communication is VERY important because you want to be clear and concise with the person.
The most respectful way to do this is in person, but if that is not doable then a phone call will work too. Breaking up with a friend over text is not the most adult thing to do, but sometimes it should be the last resort if the first two are not options.
Stress that neither of you are the victim
In the conversation, you’ll want to use a lot of “I” statements. Use statements such as: “I feel my life being pulled in a different direction and I just wanted to tell you how much I have valued our friendship. I’m just not able to devote the time to it anymore.” Not, “You’ve become this negative person and you fail to ever hang out with me so I’m ending it.”
It is completely normal to have the urge to go into detail about your feelings, but you have to be realistic about what they will be willing to hear. For example, if you are ending the friendship because they never listen to you and they play the victim constantly, feedback will probably not be heard. You have to ask yourself, “is there a realistic chance of helping this person out or is it just a dead end at this point?”
Be clear, concise and coherent
Ending a friendship can be heartbreaking and you want to ultimately do what is right for you in the long run. Toxic friendships go under the radar more than toxic love relationships. Getting rid of all toxicity in your life will only bring you happiness though. If you are 100% sure a close friend is only bringing negativity in your life, it may be time for a breakup. We’re all adults who know what we want in life, so take a deep breath, and confront your reservations with friendships head on.
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